The last week has been filled with a lot of ups and downs, highs and lows. It seemed like my entire life was thrown into upheaval. I couldn't even begin to keep up on all the housework. My bathrooms hadn't been cleaned in two weeks. (Don't worry that's been remedied) My child who usually sleeps like a champ was giving me the worst time when it came to bedtime and sleeping. I was exhausted, worn out and stressed to say the least. The low point of my week was when Shayla decided that sleep was optional between the hours of 1 am and 5 am. I am not a nice Mommy when she thinks the middle of the night is play time.
I felt selfish. Wanting to quit already. Thinking to myself if all this strain and stress was really worth it? Was I doing more harm to this boy than I could do good? I was constantly on the brink of tears. Stressed beyond belief. (The nice thing is that I lose my appetite when I'm stressed and therefore lost 5 lbs last week.) I joked around with countless people that this is the way to do childbirth. Instead of gaining 25 lbs (in my case 50) in pregnancy you LOSE weight. And it's still considered healthy. All joking aside, I was done.
Thankfully we have Sundays. So many people put their arms around me at church and just told me it would be alright. I was given a blessing by Jon and some of our priesthood leaders. During it I was wishing that Heavenly Father would tell me it was ok to quit. He didn't. What a rough transition this has been. But I keep clinging to the hope that we will make a real difference in Dallin's life. That he will feel loved and be able to be his true potential because he came to live in our home.
It's a good thing I'm writing this tonight instead of last week. It's been hard. I would be lying if I told everyone anything different. This is one of the hardest things I have done in my life. It's also one of the most important. I was reminded again this evening why I'm doing this when he snuck downstairs to give me one last hug and tell me he loves me. I need to cling to these great, tender moments and hope they can get me through all the hard ones.
Wow. I started crying when I read this post. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. I admire you and Jon so much. Dallin is seriously so lucky to have you two as parents. Seriously....you guys are amazing and so wonderful to open your arms to him. Wow...I wish I coulld say something g encouraging, but I am not sure what to say! What a great example of sacrifice. I really hope you get some sleep soon!
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