January 8, 2012

Catching My Breath

Wow. That is all I have to say about my life for the last 5 crazy months. Wow.

I guess the biggest news that everyone is going to be the most interested and curious about is that Dallin moved back to Utah this weekend. It was very sudden. Almost as sudden as his coming here. I will try to answer everyone's questions here the best I can.

It has been the hardest 5 months of my life. I honestly don't believe that is an understatement. I was thrown into this crazy world of school, scouts, homework, soccer, primary, boys, etc, etc, etc. The learning curve was steep and there are things we did that we are really proud of, but also a lot of areas where Jon and I recognize we have a lot of growth.

I don't regret having Dallin join our family for the time that he was here. I can't regret trying. But it wasn't right. Jon and I kept a stiff upper lip for a long time, but the sequence of events went something like this.

Dallin was very excited and accepting of a Dad in his life. He had never had a Dad and it was a novel and wonderful thing for him to have one. Jon was wonderful with him. Jon is a wonderful tenderhearted man, and if nothing else this experience reaffirmed to me the reasons I chose to be in love with him. (I hate the term "fell in love", as if I didn't have a choice and it all just happened for no apparent reason) But Dallin already had a Mom and was very clear that he didn't need another one. I'm pretty sure he wasn't aware of the walls he was building up between him and I, but they were very real. As Christmas break wore on, Jon andI realized I was at a very low point emotionally and psychologically. It lead us to really start to ponder about what needed to be done. Neither one of us was willing to give up, but something had to give. Let me explain here that I don't blame Dallin for the way he was feeling. Logically I completely understood all of his emotions, but emotionally for me it was beginning to be too much.

We spent last Sunday in Prayer and Fasting and were both separately left with the impression that we weren't the permanent solution. That this wasn't the permanent plan for our family by our Father in Heaven, and that we had done what we needed to do in this situation. I guess it took me reaching a low for us to be willing to reevaluate the situation and really pray about what to do. We had prayed for patience and strength and a million other things, but never to know what to do.

I called my Mom on Monday and let her know what we felt, letting her know that he could stay with us longer until a suitable solution was reached but that we weren't able to do this forever. She felt peace about this and decided to have him come back to live at their house.

Dallin was so excited he could barely contain himself. He's missed my family tremendously. I think it was becoming too much for him emotionally as well. This experience gave him the opportunity to have a clean slate somewhere and correct certain things, and now he gets to have the emotional support he needs.

His one concern was that since he was going to go live with Grandma and Grandpa that he would no longer be able to get baptized this Saturday. We were able to still put on his baptism for him. It was a healing and beautiful experience for all of us.

I've been asked how I feel by a lot of people. I feel relief, happiness, sadness, regret and a million other things, but mainly I feel peace knowing this is the right decision for our family.