Catching My Breath

Wow. That is all I have to say about my life for the last 5 crazy months. Wow.

I guess the biggest news that everyone is going to be the most interested and curious about is that Dallin moved back to Utah this weekend. It was very sudden. Almost as sudden as his coming here. I will try to answer everyone's questions here the best I can.

It has been the hardest 5 months of my life. I honestly don't believe that is an understatement. I was thrown into this crazy world of school, scouts, homework, soccer, primary, boys, etc, etc, etc. The learning curve was steep and there are things we did that we are really proud of, but also a lot of areas where Jon and I recognize we have a lot of growth.

I don't regret having Dallin join our family for the time that he was here. I can't regret trying. But it wasn't right. Jon and I kept a stiff upper lip for a long time, but the sequence of events went something like this.

Dallin was very excited and accepting of a Dad in his life. He had never had a Dad and it was a novel and wonderful thing for him to have one. Jon was wonderful with him. Jon is a wonderful tenderhearted man, and if nothing else this experience reaffirmed to me the reasons I chose to be in love with him. (I hate the term "fell in love", as if I didn't have a choice and it all just happened for no apparent reason) But Dallin already had a Mom and was very clear that he didn't need another one. I'm pretty sure he wasn't aware of the walls he was building up between him and I, but they were very real. As Christmas break wore on, Jon andI realized I was at a very low point emotionally and psychologically. It lead us to really start to ponder about what needed to be done. Neither one of us was willing to give up, but something had to give. Let me explain here that I don't blame Dallin for the way he was feeling. Logically I completely understood all of his emotions, but emotionally for me it was beginning to be too much.

We spent last Sunday in Prayer and Fasting and were both separately left with the impression that we weren't the permanent solution. That this wasn't the permanent plan for our family by our Father in Heaven, and that we had done what we needed to do in this situation. I guess it took me reaching a low for us to be willing to reevaluate the situation and really pray about what to do. We had prayed for patience and strength and a million other things, but never to know what to do.

I called my Mom on Monday and let her know what we felt, letting her know that he could stay with us longer until a suitable solution was reached but that we weren't able to do this forever. She felt peace about this and decided to have him come back to live at their house.

Dallin was so excited he could barely contain himself. He's missed my family tremendously. I think it was becoming too much for him emotionally as well. This experience gave him the opportunity to have a clean slate somewhere and correct certain things, and now he gets to have the emotional support he needs.

His one concern was that since he was going to go live with Grandma and Grandpa that he would no longer be able to get baptized this Saturday. We were able to still put on his baptism for him. It was a healing and beautiful experience for all of us.

I've been asked how I feel by a lot of people. I feel relief, happiness, sadness, regret and a million other things, but mainly I feel peace knowing this is the right decision for our family.

A Love Story: Apple Juice and The Computer

Sorry for the long break. But I have been without a computer for the last two weeks or so. Shayla decided to bring over a glass of apple juice while she was watching Peppa Pig on the computer and promptly knocked it all over the keyboard. This wouldn't have been a problem if it hadn't been a laptop... Poor girl felt so bad. She still insists the computer can be fixed. We took advantage of black friday and stood in line at Wal-mart, the big and spacious building, for a desktop computer. Luckily we were in a short line. I guess desktops aren't a hot item.

Either way I am connected to the world again. Jon gave me a touchpad for my birthday so I was able to look up email and do small things but you couldn't have paid me to blog on that thing. 5 hours later I would be done with one post. Love playing on it, but not particularly practical for bigger things.

Well we are good. We survived Thanksgiving in Utah and Dallin seeing his Mom, Amy. Very few things happened of note. The time he spent with his Mom was really good and went well. He loved seeing her and she was able to be what he needed her to be in the setting we gave them to be together. We were afraid we would have to load him into the car kicking and screaming, but no such thing happened.

Shayla did wake up asking to go back to Grandma and Grandpa's house. But I think it feels great to be home! I have so much to catch up on! It amazes me how much has piled up while we've been gone. Plus I need to decorate for Christmas.

More updates to come, now that I have a real keyboard to use. Oh the simple joys of life!

The Bee Incident

A lot has happened in the last month or so since I last posted. So I have a lot to catch up on. So much was going on in fact that I tend to collapse at the end of the day and feel too lazy to even blog.

But I thought I would start by sharing the bee incident. Some friends and I decided to walk the kids to a little farm here in California called deer hollow. It's about a mile and a half walk and has always been a big success. In fact we were going with a friend who was 9 months pregnant and hoping it would put her in labor. Well we were maybe half way there when Jamie and I (The pregnant friend) started getting attacked by bees. They didn't bother Lenessa who had her 6 week old baby in a stroller thank goodness. But they stung Jamie and kept chilling in my hair. And continued to follow us down the path. I thought there was nothing so creepy as having a bee in your hair that wouldn't leave. I think it may have tried to sting me but my hair is so darn thick I don't think the stinger could get through.

 Then... I felt sweat dripping down my chest. I was about to wipe it when I got a prompting to look first before wiping. Oh yes, the bee was down my shirt. I started freaking out, to put it mildly. I was trying to figure out how to get my jacket, shirt, garments and bra off without getting stung in the process. Luckily it flew away as I was screaming and shaking my shirt. Needless to say we decided to turn around. None of the kids got stung and somehow I walked away without a sting. I still stand by the thick hair theory though. My hair will bend a bobbypin faster than you can blink. Take that bees!

The rest of the day I felt like I still had bees all over me. I'm a little skittish when it comes to bees too. Poor Jamie, it didn't put her into labor and she was stung twice. What a big Mom FAIL!

It's official!

We've officially entered the world of Disney movies. Shayla has decided they are WAY cooler than cartoons. She asked me to put on a movie the other day, and I not thinking it would last very long obliged her. An hour and a half later 101 Dalmations was over and she promptly asked for the "woofs" again. We tend to watch one movie throughout the day and she is as happy as a clam.

Tomorrow she asked for the "meows". (Aristocats) It's the simple things in life sometimes that bring you joy. I'm glad my daughter is starting to enjoy some of the classic shows I loved as a little girl. Hopefully she starts liking the princess movies and then we can have tea parties and dress up days.

Having a little girl is such a blast! I love that she is as girlie as I was at her age and that she is so much fun.

On the Dallin front: He is adjusting pretty well. Tonight he prayed for our family prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for "all the nice people he could trust". So sweet and so tender. Jon and I have had to grow a slightly thick skin with him so that it doesn't hurt our feelings when he tells us he would like to live with anyone but us. I guess he talks really appreciatively and complimentary about us to everyone else, which is good to hear. Tonight he let his wall come down a little bit to me when I told him that he, Jon and I were going to go to a family counselor, so that Jon and I could be better parents for him. He looked at me so innocently and said, "You're already the best parents I've ever had." It melted my heart a lot.

The first time I ever knew I wanted to raise him he was 10 months old. My family and I had gone on a trip that his mother didn't attend, so I was put in charge of him. I woke up with him in the middle of the night, fed him bottles, made sure he was clean and well fed and felt loved. When I had to return him to his Mom I sobbed. So did he. She had to take him from my arms because I didn't have the will power to give him to her. He clung to me and continued to reach out to me as my Mom and I drove away. I cried myself to sleep that night. Worried sick about him. My Mom remembers that vividly as well, because I told her that, "He was going to be mine." I knew even then that one day I would be raising him. If only I could have saved him some of the heartache he has gone through the last 8 years since that happened. At least I have him now.

Even if I am mean and make him fall asleep all by himself. One day I won't feel like the mean Mom. Maybe it really just means that I am doing my job.

A Day in The Life...

I wasn't really sure what to call this post, but I think I better update everyone. We've been doing well. Things are getting easier. Shayla LOVES her new brother and has become a more confident, self sufficient little girl since he arrived. I commonly hear her tell me, "Self". Meaning let me do this myself Mom. Some things break my heart. Like tonight when he wanted to know why his Mom has been ignoring his phone calls for the last week. What do you say? I don't understand it either. There are a lot of things my sister does that I don't understand. Jon and I tried valiantly to come up with a logical reason that could save his fragile little feelings... We finally resorted to distraction. Talking about some fun stuff we wanted to do with him this week. I can only imagine the hurt he is feeling

He looks forward to family home evening. This week I told him he could be in charge of the lesson and we could play a game. He loved it. Last week Shay, Jon and I were leaving for Michigan on a trip that had been planned long before we knew Dallin would be joining our family. We were going to be gone over the Sunday so he made sure we were going to have fhe before we left. We held a special one on Friday evening for him.

Sometimes I see the progress we are making with him. He is doing so well with all the rules and restrictions we are throwing at him. I keep telling him it's because we love him so much. I don't know if he believes us. What eight year old would?

It's been interesting seeing the dynamics of our family change. I've slowly realized it isn't bad, just different.

I feel like I should be writing some poignant memories and thoughts on September 11th, I cried when I saw a special on kids who lost their Dad's in the towers and had never met them.

Things are looking up for our family. We're settling into a routine and just doing our best every day. Isn't that what we all do though?